#0191. DARTS PLAYER STEVE BEATON'S SUBTLE EDITING OF HIS WIKIPEDIA ENTRY.

You're a darts player. Though you have no children, you're highly, highly, highly virile. You want this to come across in your Wikipedia entry. But how to express your rampant, rampant masculinity without appearing all 'Raoul Moat'?

Simple.

#0190. GIRLS WITH BIG BOOBS WHO JUST MOAN ABOUT HOW THEY GIVE THEM BACKACHE.

Oh, great. Thanks for ruining the magic. It's like finding out my iPad was made by eyeless Vietnamese slave-orphans.

#0189. THE LOVE SHACK.

Do you know what I’m going to do if I ever see a faded sign by the side of the road that says 15 miles to the Love Shack? I’m going to drive on 15 miles, pull over, find somewhere to park up, turn the engine off, get out my car, and I’m going to stand there on the hard shoulder making the wanker hand for ever and ever and ever and ever.

#0188. JUSTIN’S HOUSE.

A miscellany of things I hate about Justin’s House:

1) The episode where Ashley from Coronation Street was the surprise special guest. Because if you ask any typical five-year-old, “Who would you choose out of anyone in the whole entire world to come through that big red door?” They’d think for a second, then they’d look at you with a sparkle in their eye and they’d say, “Stephen Arnold!”

2) Lowest Common Denominator!!!! He falls over. He puts a cake in his face. He falls over. He gets wet. Four words: LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR BULLSHIT!!!!!

3) Robert the Robot. Giving asexual robotic butlers a bad name.

4) The way sometimes the kids in the audience are wearing coats. So, not only is Justin’s House a garish, panto hellhole populated entirely by middle-aged people dressed like children standing around in a semi-circle shouting, it’s also cold.

5) The way it’s so long. I once did a disastrous best man speech based around a game of anecdote bingo that went on for about an hour and ten minutes. Toward the end, people were just openly talking at normal room-volume and checking their phones. It was a slow, painful ordeal. Like 127 Hours, but not as funny. Justin’s House is the only thing I’ve ever encountered that feels longer than that speech.

In summary... if you thought Gigglebiz was shit – and if you didn’t you were either in it or you wrote it – just wait until you get a load of Justin’s House. It makes Grandpa In My Pocket look like The Magnificent Ambersons.

# 187. WORLD FOOTBALL PHONE-IN'S MARK OF RESPECT.

What is the sound of four hands clapping?

#0186. THE WAY MY WIFE HAS TO CONSTANTLY KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

Here's a rough summary of my day:

#0185. THE WAY PARENTS GO ON AND ON ABOUT HOW AMAZING THEIR NEWBORN BABY IS, AS IF TO IMPLY IT'S SOMEHOW BETTER THAN ME.

Yeah. Fine. It's a nice baby.

I'm a nice bloke. So.

#0184. LOSING AT FOOTBALL TO A TEAM OF BULLY-BOYS, THEN HAVING TO SPEND THE WHOLE JOURNEY HOME COMFORTING MYSELF THAT I'M "BETTER AT OTHER THINGS."

The 'other things' I've managed to come up with so far:

1) Reading
2) Gaming (possibly)
3) Cookery?
4) …

#0183. TURNING UP LATE FOR A MEETING AND JOVIALLY DECLARING "A WIZARD ARRIVES PRECISELY WHEN HE MEANS TO!" THEN REALISING IT'S QUITE A SERIOUS MEETING

... and that this was almost entirely inappropriate. Then having to linger around after the meeting just to apologise again for being late but this time without doing the Gandalf thing.

#0182. THE WAY THE ONE MAN WEARING A KILT TO THE WEDDING HAS TO CONSTANTLY REFERENCE THE FACT THAT HE'S WEARING A KILT TO THE WEDDING.

#0181. PEOPLE WHO'D RATHER WALK AROUND ALL DAY DOING THIS FACE...

... than buy a cheap pair of fucking sunglasses.

Squinty fuckers.

#0180. THE FACT THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU MAY LIKE MASTURBATING, YOU WILL NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER LIKE IT AS MUCH AS FRANCIS ROSSI.

Rossi on wanking:

God. It's like he has to be into it just that little bit more than you. It's my friend Mike and "Mad Men" all over again.

#0179. STEADILY CHANNEL-SURFING WITH MY WIFE; TURNING ONTO A PAIR OF GIRL'S TITS; INSTINCTIVELY BREAKING MY RHYTHM TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE GIRL'S TITS--

Then realising that my wife has noticed that we're no longer channel-surfing and that we're now just watching a pair of girl's tits, and then having to pretend that there's something wrong with the remote control.

"Ah. Batteries gone in the old-- Yep, needs new AAs. Sadly... Oh god though look at those horrible plastic tits on the TV! Oh I feel sick! Just wish I could turn them over. Because I'm trying but I just… Nope. Sorry you'll have to get up and do it manually... OK frankly I don't care if you are pregnant."

#0178. GETTING A FACEBOOK UPDATE NOTIFYING ME THAT SOMEONE I WORKED WITH IN A VIDEO SHOP NINE YEARS AGO, "HAS BECOME A FAN OF 'THE TOBY CARVERY.'"

I'll be totally honest, I thought social networking had bottomed out the day I read this:

But today. Today I went deeper. Today I discovered the Hope Diamond of inane social network bullshit.

There it is, in among the Mafia Wars (obviously) updates:

And somehow, it just felt like the end.

#0177. THE WAY MY FRIEND DAVE BRAGS ABOUT HOW LONG HE'S COOKED SOMETHING FOR IN HIS SLOW-COOKER.

Eight hours. Apparently.

Put it on when he went to work.

Had it when he came home again.

Delicious.

Very tender.

Really taste the cooking juices in the meat.

But yeah.

Eight hours.

Slow-cooked.

All day.

Casserole.

Tender.

Soft onions.

Juices.

Not mushy at all.

Meat.

Nice with a bit of crusty bread.

Eight hours.

Carrots.

Stock.

Eight hours.

Delicious.

Fuck me Dave that is interesting.

#0176. WAVING AT THE OLD MAN WHO LIVES NEARBY; GETTING BLANKED EVERY TIME; BECOMING ANGRY; STARTING TO DO HUGE SARCASTIC WAVES JUST TO SPITE HIM...

Then finding out he's clinically blind.

So Jim Taylor, if you are able to read this, can I just take this opportunity to say that I'm really...

(Font big enough for you, is it?)

#0175. WANKING STANDING UP.

It's like somehow, post-dogging, it just all of a sudden feels so sleazy.

Sad, but I'm afraid wanking standing up has been robbed of its innocence.

So thanks for nothing, doggers. That used to be a real time-saver.

#0174. "SORRY FOR WASTING YOUR TIME, OFFICER."

The extent to which I kiss a police officer's arse after he's pulled me over for a minor traffic infringement is truly revolting.

In fact no, this goes beyond arse-kissing into some whole other thing.

It's like I'm literally sucking his dick. And he's not even asking me to do it. I'm just doing it because it feels right.

How else do you explain my parting shot, once he's already decided to let me off with a caution, and he's walking away from my car, and I call after him, with absolute sincerity:

He hears me, but doesn't even look round

God. That actually makes me feel sad.

#0173. THE CONTINUED DECLINE OF SEX ADVICE ON THE INDIAN CONTINENT.

First off, I'll tell you what is absolutely normal...

When jerking off with friends, simply think about how normal it is and the chances are it'll be perfectly bloody normal!

Next, a definitive answer to an age-old conundrum:

To summarise: no, giving semen to your short girlfriend will probably not make her taller.

Hey all you under-confident sex-pests, listen up!

So just remember, bashful rapists -- if you want to grope someone, propose to them first!

A 26-year-old virgin writes:

"If it does its duty and then goes back to looking like a tortoise head it is fine." I mean, that just sounds like the kind of thing a doctor says.

And finally, because it's not all biology and saving lives in the online Indian sex advice sector, a little joke for you:

Ah, that is the height of being realistic! Absolutely bloody classic!

#0172. THE WAY MY DAD SARCASTICALLY ANSWERS THE CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER, BEFORE TURNING OVER LIKE IT'S THE COOLEST THING IN THE WORLD.