#0031. COLONEL HEAVYFOOT.

I hate all my neighbours. Obviously. It's bad enough that I have to share a country with 'people', let alone a building. But most of all, I hate the new man who's moved in above me. Colonel Heavyfoot.

From the sounds of things, Colonel Heavyfoot either: A) has both feet encased in concrete, or B) makes the journey from his kitchen to his living room on the back of a shire horse. Together with his wife, Lady Stomp-a-Lot, Colonel Heavyfoot loves nothing more than to clomp around his flat like a tubby giant searching for sleeping children. Like me, he works from home. I can only imagine he's a freelance insect stomper.

My problem is, if it was loud music I could go round, knock on his door and ask him to turn it down. But what do you do with the terminally clonk-footed? Leave a pair of carpet slippers and an instructional book on ballet techniques outside his front door?

Damn you Colonel Heavyfoot. Damn you all the way to hell.

#0030. DEAF PEOPLE AND 'THAT NOISE.'

Listen, I love deaf people. They're brilliant. Seriously. They're better than normal people. But do they have to make that noise?

You know the one. The bass-heavy moan they emit every time they break into sign language. It just feels unnecessary. Fair play - they're deaf, they have no idea how aggravating it is. But why don't we just tell them? Maybe I'll learn the sign language for "Stop making that stupid noise" and do it myself.

And another thing I hate: sign language interpretators and their over-active facial expressions. Yes, I'm talking to you, odd little bald man who ruins my Hollyoaks omnibus. Do me a favour: just do the hands and leave the facial pyrotechnics to stars of West End musicals and those afflicted with severe nervous tics.

#0029. TV CABINET LOCKS.

You should see the lock on my mum's TV cabinet. It's truly, truly massive; the kind of ornate metal contraption you only usually see on either: A) treasure troves or B) 13th-century chastity belts. And if you think that's big, you should see the accompanying brass key. Four words: 'ostentatious medieval dungeon master.'

The TV cabinet lock is the most pointless security device in human history. Trust me, if someone with a thing for SCART leads has managed to break into your house, shinning up your drainpipe and bypassing your security system, they'll find a way into your TV cabinet. Which, in case you hadn’t noticed, is 90% glass.

#0028. PEOPLE WHO "REALLY ENJOY THEIR FOOD."

"I will say this, I do love my food." In that case, remind me never to go out to dinner with you.

Because there's nothing worse than eating with someone who treats every meal as though they're experiencing the sense 'taste' for the very first time. "Mmm. Who ordered the medallions of beef? Oh my god! It's so tender! Wow. These medallions. Mmm. Medallions? Hands up if you had medallions? Jesus! They're so damn tasty! Can't get over these medallions. Who'd have thought medallions of beef could be so delicious?"

I mean, you can say what you want about prison canteens, but at least everyone just sits there in silence and gets on with it.

#0027. PAINTBALL.

You know 'war'? You know how it's horrible and terrifying and traumatising and painful? Well that's paintball.

I've been once. I failed to hit anyone and the entire time time hiding in dense woodland, eating chocolate Hob-Nobs and refining my self-taught military technique "quiet breathing." (Switch 'chocolate Hob-Nobs' for 'Garibaldi biscuits' and you've got a pretty accurate picture of how I would've spent World War One.)

Paintball: the least fun you can have with your clothes on.

#0026. SASSY BLACK GRANDMOTHERS (IN FILMS).

There is, according to 'the movies', only one type of black grandmother: overweight, obsessed with cooking, and unendingly, eternally, infinitely sassy.

They're all "Honey chile" this and "Oh no you didn't!" that. Forever "smacking people upside the head" and threatening to "whoop your bony white ass."

Now I've met a couple of black grandmothers in my time, and let me tell you, they were really, really dull. One of them literally went on about her ankle operation for a whole hour.

As an avid fan of Big Momma's House, I was sorely disappointed.