#0108. DRAWINGS OF POPULAR CARTOON CHARACTERS HAVING SEX.

I would question the need for anyone to devote their time to drawing a -- let's face it -- really pretty good portrait of Bart Simpson butt-fucking his sister Lisa.

But if you are going to do it, why bother drawing another picture of them doing it 'from behind'? It's such a cliche. And are we really expected to believe that cartoon characters only know one position?

Just once, I'd like to see a nice drawing of Bart fucking Lisa in the missionary position.

I mean, is that really too much to ask?

#0107. BATHROOMS FITTED WITH "LOOK-AT-YOUR-DICK" MIRRORS.

Don't get me wrong, I quite like looking at my dick. I'm not obsessed with it or anything. I just like to spend some quality time with it now and again. You know, pamper it a little. Let it know that it doesn't always have to be about the sex.

But what I don't need is a full-length mirror behind the toilet so I can look at it while I'm urinating. I have enough trouble hitting the target as it is, without that to put me off.

So in a way, if you've got a bathroom fitted with a 'look-at-your-dick' mirror and I have pissed on your floor, you've only got yourself to blame really.

(All of which is a roundabout way of saying Susan, you might want to get some Shake 'N' Vac on that carpet.)

#0106. THE RUNNING COMMENTARY YOUR MUM GIVES YOU WHEN SHE'S SAT AT HER COMPUTER AND YOU'RE ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE, TRYING TO HELP HER.

MUM: "So, I'm just going to open Word… Word, Word, Word… Where is Word… No, it's all right, got it. Opening it up… now. OK then… Oh, Talking Paperclip. Shall I shut the Talking Paperclip? I'll shut the Talking Paperclip… Shutting that… now… Right. File… Open… Oh. It's gone off. Why has it gone off? It's just gone off… Nope, wait. It was just loading…"

ME: "Tell you what, shall I just look at it next time I'm round?"

#0105. PEOPLE WHO PAINT ICE CREAM VANS AND THEIR COMPLETE INABILITY TO DRAW A DECENT MICKEY FUCKING MOUSE.

Is it just me, or does anyone else immediately think of 'the Eastern Bloc' when they see a really badly painted Mickey Mouse on the side of an ice-cream van?

No? Not even a little bit? You're not even the tiniest bit thinking about Czechoslovakia or the Warsaw pact?

How about now? Nicolae Ceauşescu? The Brezhnev Doctrine? No? Nothing?

Now though, yeah? Now you're just sat there, imagining what the Czech Uprisings of 1968 might've looked like.

Yeah. I knew you'd come round.

#0104. BUMPING INTO SOMEONE YOU USED TO BE IN A BAND WITH DURING YOUR 'WAKING-UP-IN-VOMIT' DAYS, WHEN YOU'RE WITH YOUR FIANCEE, AT A LAMBING FARM.

Turns out it's really hard to look cool when you're bottle-feeding a baby lamb.

#103. THE WAY THE MAN NEXT TO ME ON THE TRAIN LAST NIGHT SAT READING A JOKE BOOK AS THOUGH IT WERE A CLASSIC NOVEL.

Look at him -- thoughtful, pensive, contemplative. What could he be reading?

Some Zola maybe? Or some Proust? Or maybe some Nick Horny? Or at the very least Angels and fucking Demons?

No. A joke book. A joke book about the internet. The arsehole.