#0129. "MY UNCLE THE ALIEN."

Here's the pitch: what if… your uncle was an alien?

Your uncle, is an alien. Let's just take a minute to really think about how that might feel.

"Erm, yeah. Suppose you want to know about my uncle. The alien. How does it feel? Well I don't really see that much of him to be honest. I mean he's just my uncle so. Probably only get together once or twice a year, maybe Christmas. And I suppose when I do see him it is pretty weird, but it doesn't really affect me day-to-day. I suppose it's a bit like if your uncle had diabetes or something -- you're aware of it and all that, but it's a tiny, tiny part of your life."

"Now his own wife and children on the other hand, I imagine the whole thing must've hit them pretty hard. And I bet funny stuff happens to them, like, all the time. Dunno, you'd have to ask them about all that. I'm not really that close to that side of the family."

"As for me, like I say, not really that much of a big deal."

#0128. THE WAY THIS MAN HAD OBVIOUSLY BEEN GIVEN 'BOOTS THE CHEMIST' GIFT VOUCHERS FOR HIS BIRTHDAY AND SPENT THEM ALL ON TRAVEL-BASED ACCESSORIES.

#0127. INAPPROPRIATELY COMICAL SIGN LANGUAGE.

Can we all agree that we could do with a slightly less insensitive gesture to represent the fatal road accident?

And anyway, who makes a face like that when they're using a mobile phone?

#0126. BOARDGAME STATIONERY ANXIETY.

Phase 1) "You know what -- I don't give a shit. I'm buying the Family Fortunes boardgame."

Phase 2) "Oh my god, this is literally the best boardgame I've ever played. I'm definitely playing it every day from now on!"

Phase 3) "Hang on… look how thin these answer pads are! There's probably only about… 50 sheets. That's only 50 games!"

Phase 4) "OK, OK let's not panic. Maybe I could get in touch with the people at Milton Bradley -- maybe they sell the stationery separately. But then what if you have to buy the whole game again just to get the little pads? I'll email them tomorrow and find out. Or… what if I just photocopied one of the sheets? Then I could run off thousands of them and I could play forever. Trouble is, they wouldn't be bound in little notebook form. Unless, I got a quote from the printers for adhesive binding. Can't cost that much…"

Phase 5) Six months later: it's in the loft.

#0125. THE QUOTES ON THE FRONT OF KNOCK-OFF DVDS.

You know something -- I'm almost starting to suspect that the people who design the sleeves for counterfeit DVDs just go online, find the first review they can then choose a quote at random.

Because frankly, this wasn't much of an inducement to buy Gone Baby Gone...

I mean come on, it's no "Rollercoaster ride of a movie!" is it?

#0124. ANY KIND OF 'HUMAN WITH AN EXOTIC ANIMAL' PHOTO.

No good can ever come from having your photo taken with an exotic animal.

Because here's something that never happens -- you get a photo of yourself taken with a pink dolphin and you go, "Oh my god, that's a really nice photo. I just love the colours and the way it's composed and the texture. In fact, I'm going to buy a really nice frame for it and hang in the living room."

Never happens. Not ever.

Which is why photos of 'you with an exotic animal' are like Nazi war medals -- if you've got one, you know where you've hidden it.

#0123. LITERALLY HAVING SAND KICKED IN MY FACE.

Turns out this kind of thing doesn't only happen in Beanotown and 1950s adverts for badly made body-building equipment.

So there I was, relaxing on a tropical beach in a long-sleeved T-shirt, sunhat and money belt with all the other hunks, when an adult male bully-boy jogged past and -- for no good reason -- aimed a load of the yellow stuff right at my face.

Here's the bully in question:

OK so admittedly I had just taken a photograph of his wife's arse, but still.

#0122. THE WAY WHENEVER I LOSE ANYTHING IN A HOTEL ROOM -- NO MATTER WHAT IT IS -- I ALWAYS IMMEDIATELY ASSUME THE MAID'S STOLEN IT.

"Carly, have you seen the other beach ball bat? I left it on the bed. Definitely... Oh Jesus. I don't believe this. I bet the maid's had it! Unbelievable! For god's sake, they will literally steal anything! It's absolutely taking the piss! I mean, what are they even going to do with one beach ball bat?! It makes you sick, it really does... Wait, no. It was just under the beach towel."

#0121. THE DISCOVERY THAT SPECULUMS ARE SOMEWHAT WIDER THAN I MAY HAVE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE.

Here's my one word review of colonic irrigation: unsoothing.

Don't get me wrong, once they've got the speculum into your arsehole and you can just lay back and chat, it's almost bearable. It's all the going in and taking it back out again that got on my nerves.

All of which has led me to conclude that I'd probably be OK with being bummed, so long as the bloke doing it just put it inside me and left it there for a bit, and didn't start pratting about with it.

#0120. "THE CRAIC."

I hate everything about "the craic", up to and including:

* Any person who has ever described themselves as "up for the craic."

* Any activity or undertaking that has ever been carried out "just for the craic."

* I even hate the way it's spelt. "The craic." God, that's annoying.

It's bullshit. No one even knows what it means. It's just another way for everyone to pretend they're a little bit more Irish.

So anyway, I did a bit of research. And everything I hate about "the craic" can be summed up in the following quotation:

Exactly.

#0119. PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF SUB-CONSCIOUS BOTTLE-BASED SURROGATE PENIS FONDLING.

Now, I'm no body language expert...

#0118. THE WAY I IMMEDIATELY TRANSFORM INTO SOME KIND OF UPPER-CLASS RETIRED GENERAL THE MOMENT I CHECK INTO A HOTEL.

So there I am, queuing up to check in, just my average, everyday self.

Next thing you know, I'm marching through the swimming pool area in a pair of shorts with a rolled up broadsheeet under my arm barking "MORNING!" at terrified housekeepers.

Because this isn't just any old standard "good morning." This is "MORNING!" and it's my default "I'm-staying-in-a-posh-hotel" greeting. (You'll need the volume up...)

It's 50% polite greeting, 50% firm instruction, as in: "You will have a good morning or I will hunt you down and kill you."