#0145. "NOW, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO NANDO'S BEFORE?"

Every week I'm in Nando's. And every week I'm served by the same man. And yet every week he utters the same seven words, each one a dagger through my heart:

"Have you ever been to Nando's before?"

This is what I want to say: "Yes I have you insensitive bastard. You served me, remember? Oh I'm just a number to you, aren't I? I'm just the number on that little metal chicken you stick into my table. Well fuck you, and I tell you what, fuck Nando. I said it. At least Colonel Sanders has the balls to put his face on his restaurants. Prick."

This is what I actually say: "Yes."

But I know what's really going on here. They're just pretending they don't remember me so they can keep my self-esteem down and I won't realise I can do better and start eating in Pizza Express.

Well it won't work Nando, you fucker.

And another thing -- that sink next to the drinks machine? Tacky Nando. Very tacky.

#0144. TRYING TO BLOW-UP AN INFLATABLE MATTRESS WHEN YOU'RE QUITE DRUNK AND YOU'VE GOT A REALLY WEAK GAG REFLEX.

(You'll need sound.)

#0143. SPANISH AMATEUR PORNOGRAPHERS AND THE CONTINUED SQUANDERING OF THEIR NATURAL RESOURCES.

I mean for god's sake, you've got a hot Mediterranean woman in knee-high sexboots and impractical underpants -- surely it's impossible to make her look unsexy. Right?

Apparently not if you're an amateur pornographer and you're from Spain. All you do is pose her at a cheap keyboard, lay some sheet music out, then put a pair of jumbo headphones on her as if to suggest she's currently listening to the demo track.

And there you go. Job done. Seriously, they shouldn't be allowed to make their own pornography if this is the kind of sick rubbish they're going to peddle.

#0142. UNIMAGINATIVE LOCAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES.

Come on, that's not a headline, that's just the first sentence of the article in a really big font. And OK, I appreciate you have to be sensitive with these things, but a little pun isn't going to hurt anyone, is it?

I'm thinking 'Meat Head,' I'm thinking 'Chop Shop', I'm thinking 'Heads Will Roll.' I don't know, not my job. But give me something.

#0141. USING A PIECE OF GYM EQUIPMENT IMMEDIATELY AFTER A WOMAN OR A CHILD.

I mean, obviously I can benchpress like, you know, a whole shitload of weight. And as for reps, don't talk to me about reps. I have got reps coming out of my arsehole. We're talking anywhere between five and ten.

Unfortunately it seems however high I like my weight settings on a given piece of gym equipment, the woman or child who used it immediately before me always had it set quite a lot higher.

Which is when I have to go through the elaborate charade of pretending to put the weight setting up while sneakily taking it down to somewhere around the 5kg level, then completing my five reps, then covertly putting it back really high for the next person.

It's more exhausting than my actual work-out . Which is punishing. Obviously.